21.10.2020

Healing disappointment

Sometime in the first or fifth codependent relationship, if you’re lucky and strong enough (or accumulate enough despair) – will be able to dispel the Wraith illusions and see the real partner, a real one. To leave the area fantasies and hopes, to open my eyes.

Inevitably be disappointed.

And come out the other side, as through the eye of a needle, because it may happen that this is a new beginning, not the end, as it seemed earlier.

At some point the protracted crisis in relationships is seen three ways:

(1) Accept that these are our relations, they are natural cycles. In this case, you can just wait out the storm, knowing that they will end, what then will be clear skies and time again through the coming storm. A suitable option when no one or someone one is not ready neither to change, nor parting.

(2) to decide what to live in such a crisis, but that the relationship is valuable for both, and games in the struggle for power in vain. Then to move forward everyone needs, gradually creating something new together. This is a joint work, where sabotage and other protection are not working, but clear agreements and mutual initiative/responsibility work well.

(3) to decide what to live in such a crisis is impossible – but to do something with him difficult. Do not agree, for example. And then honest and the bitter option is separation. And often the parting here is not only with man, but with a beautiful dream of a future life with him. For example, about how you went through the crisis and live happily together. And sometimes to give up the dream painful, long and bitter. And sometimes healing.

Of course, instead of the acute experience of high intensity (acute pity party about the fact that something valuable is over – which is both the beginning and the end) sometimes easier and more portable to choose the experience of low intensity. This experience has a chronic nature and if a thin layer spread on weekdays and weekends, weeks, years, and even for a lifetime. This often experience low intensity is hope.

Sharp planned the mountain and the end is preceded by disappointment, despair, the loss of the hope. In this loss, this loss can be so many things precious to disengage the fingers sometimes impossible for many years as well as to reach the humility, calm, sadness, completion and gratitude.

Instead of disappointment, you can devalue, to destroy the image of the partner and relationship with him, and go into the next relationship, carefully carrying in his arms the same hope. And again to try to avoid all these unpleasant and intolerable to the senses already in a new relationship. Add anesthesia in the form of new love, new illusions – because it takes time to start seeing other such vacation from the difficult feelings. Delay.

And if you manage to walk a fine bridge, not falling back into the sweet hopes and not devalued, not to escape, not jumping into a new relationship, the process can become healing. Somewhere where you can see the limitations of their own and the other. He does not give something not out of spite or our “badness”, but because he doesn’t have (and never will be, I want to kill myself). Or whatever that sick place, and he copes with life as much.

If you allow yourself to abandon such a sweet idea on his omnipotence (I can something to do with the other, something like that to affect him or to inspire or nourish, he finally gives I need) – and of the omnipotence of the partner (that he may be limited resource that it is something quite a not maybe something has: sometimes that’s exactly what is so “vital” from him to us). To see yourself and others alive and imperfect, not all-powerful can be very scary and at the same time it can be very liberating.

And here is the point. To stay, despite the fact that some of my hopes are never realized is a lot of valuable and important to me. Or to go further. To leave becomes possible when it is possible to restore the fullness and depth of feelings.

Easier, of course, to leave resentment, anger, frustration – to go, but not to leave. Yes, and to go far is impossible, you have to wear relationships within – and prolong them indefinitely. Easier, of course, to devalue the relationship, but in so doing we depreciate and your experience.

It’s easier to just “not feel anything” – tactically, but not strategically. After all, if we don’t hear feelings, we will love our body. Many types of anesthesia protect us from living strong emotions and big decisions. If, in addition to the anger I felt toward the partner, sympathy and affection, how (and, more importantly, why) then to break up?!

So we ride on the swing. If there is something microtinae, I can’t go, I need to stretch it microtinae to enormous size. If I want to go, then I need to kill all meaningful (which it is), is to cut all the binding – not threads – ropes.

The separation becomes possible when we restore the integrity of the experience, we find the innermost feelings, gather them all into a single fabric, collect them together a huge hot tears of sorrow that something important is completed a big milestone. How much it was, how much of her is in me now and I’m the one person with whom it happened. What was ours, now it becomes mine. And with me now the best part, which is important to build in itself. And I’m definitely the person that this experience has become bigger and richer. And that can, on solid ground – to rely on him.

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