10.05.2021

How marriage destroys sexual life and what to do with it

The view that after marriage sexual life of the couple is becoming less bright and interesting, and after the birth of children and stops altogether, quite common in society. And despite the fact that this happens not with all and not always, family psychologists say that the opinion is true.

“I meet people in marriage who lead an active and satisfactory sexual life. However, in most cases, the person with whom they have sex, is not their husband – and that’s the problem,” – wrote in his column for Psychology Today expert on family relations and part-time divorce attorney James Sexton (James J. Sexton).

Psychologists say that if a husband and wife after ten years of marriage, still want to have sex only with each other, they are to be congratulated. “I am sure that such marriages enough. But, as someone who specializiruetsya on the reverse side of the coin, I’ve seen too many marriages with the same problem: one or both partners are dissatisfied with the quality of sex. It is either missing or does not meet expectations, or happens often enough,” continues Sexton.

If you are married and your sexual needs are not satisfied by the spouse, you are confronted with a difficult choice: try to do without sex or to find what you need on the side. Each person in the pair is not important, it is about marriage or not – have an idea of what should be sex. In the beginning of the relationship sex life is usually so bright and varied that the partners are not too shy to tell each other about their desires and needs, but because the sex is not just good, but perfect. At this stage, experts believe, we deduce the formula: high frequency + high intensity + attention to detail = good sex.

As soon as a monogamous relationship progresses, there are many factors, which variables fall.

Here some real examples from the practice of James Sexton:

  • “I feel exhausted after a day out with the kids”;
  • “I’m so busy with work that we rarely take the time even to chat, not to mention the sex”;
  • “To me it no longer delivers so much pleasure as before. Much more emotion I get when skiing, but if I had to do it three times a week for six years, then, sure, and skis would make me sick”;
  • “Watching her as she cleans up after children, or listening to her conversation on the phone with my sister for half an hour before bedtime, I realized that no longer sees his wife as a sexual object”;
  • “My husband really blossomed over the last five or six years. He gained 20 pounds and no longer seems to me as sexy and energetic as it was when we were still Dating. I think that’s why sex with him does not capture me”.

All this is in any case does not mean that married people are not trying to work on my sex life, I don’t want to return it to the proper level or not fighting for their happiness. But sometimes, alas, they have nothing.

What’s the matter? Sexologists say that even though each case is individual, married couples have at least one common (and very popular) problem – most of them unconsciously put myself in conditions where the sex takes place in the same days, at the same time in the same place. In other words, they create the conditions for predictable sex. But “predictable” is not the best, you see, the description for the sex of your dreams.

So sex becomes routine, which we all from time to time get tired. But if the rejection of brushing your teeth too routine – seems to be something impossible, because then the unpleasant breath and gum problems can not be avoided, the refusal of sex is acceptable because “well, I think, will do that next time.”

First and foremost, I suggest you make psychologists to talk with a close friend very frankly. It is important to figure out who in the couple is not satisfied with sex life, why he is not satisfied and what can be done to fix it. “Do not wait for the right moment to discuss this,” warns James Sexton, adding that if the marriage breaks it is for this reason, attempts to patch this crack it is better not to tighten.

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