10.05.2021

How to decode a rejection “coffee”

Studies show that if you like the person, he probably will answer you in return for the offer of coffee, or, say, to go to dinner at a cozy restaurant. But even in this case, however, a positive response is not required. If you found yourself in a situation when forced to withdraw, or, on the contrary, received a denial in response to his proposal – there is information that should take note.

Denial of right and wrong

One scientific work carried out and published in Communication Research in 1998 showed that invitations to coffee or dinner with romantic obviously, if they received personally, are usually handled very, very carefully.

In the study, researchers used the example of men asking the question the woman by asking the volunteers to answer, as, in their opinion, she should respond if she is not interested in continuing. So psychologists have found that usually the people who reject the offer, concealed the expression of the personal reasons in favour of impersonal causes. Plus, if they were good to man, necessarily involved the denial of some mitigating statements such as the apology, the expression of gratitude and concern for his feelings.

But psychologist Wendy Patrick (Wendy L. Patrick) in his column for Psychology Today reminds us that because of lack of interest, and refuse not always. Before proposing a meeting with a certain date, keep in mind that a person can is banal not to be free time this afternoon. He adds that although the specifics and increases your chances to obtain the consent, it nevertheless works more effectively if you immediately offer an alternative or give a perspective of this alternative.

Studies show that when a person refuses, keeping in mind the existing romantic context, it all depends on the size of the social distance between the parties. If you simplify, it will be: persons who are already familiar with, use a different word for failure, rather than strangers. In operation 2010, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it was said that with small social distance, the refusal is likely to be accompanied by an apology.

Perception and interpretation

Unlike Dating sites, which suggest a button “no thanks”, allowing easy and impersonal to refuse unwanted offers, if two people know in real-time, you must create a custom rejection message. For example, a woman who works together with man (unlike the woman who lives with a man in the same area) cannot simply say: “No thank you”. She is interested in how to help offering to save face, though, because they still work together.

And finally, the failure or its cause may be perceived very differently. “Because planning something like that due to the emotional risk, your vulnerability can affect how you interpret the answer,” writes Patrick.

It is true that the politeness in the reply and the sincerity of the person talking about respect and, as a consequence, trying to muffle the potentially traumatic experience. On the other hand, we should not forget that the best way to interpret whatever message is to listen carefully. That being said, improve your ability to read between the lines.

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