The rules of attraction in the USA: what they say young Americans where Russian silent or shout

There are dozens of articles about how improbable the world of “Sex in the city”. And still for many fans of the series remains the Bible of American culture relations. But today, rely on the wisdom of Carrie Bradshaw and her friends are not simply useless and rather harmful.

When American pop culture has filled the Russian screens – from movies in the spirit of “Basic instinct” to clips glorifying sweaty priests – we believe that America is the Kingdom of permissiveness. But today the sexual behavior of educated youth in the US seems less likely to orgies rappers and jokes from American pie.

It is not only that the fees for the newspaper column is not to assemble a collection of “blahniks”, and the conditions of life in Manhattan is far from spacious, clean and modern apartments, where the heroines have sex with a muscular (and almost always white) men. And not even the fact that real new Yorkers are often physically exhausted survival in an expensive and unfriendly: they have not enough strength for the Dating and selecting a partner or ongoing relationship with meetings more than once a week.

Importantly, the series, which claimed to be the mouthpiece of feminism in the face of four women who built a career before family, but it is misogynistic and outdated. This is demonstrated by the recent meme #wokecharlotte: its creators put into the mouth of the Prim WASP Charlotte York reviews, which the feminist of 2018 would respond to jokes like “Bisexuality is a stop on the way to Gaytown”.

And for the last 15 years, the Americans still have learned that so hard is given to the heroine of the series, which they do not dare to say that they don’t like oral sex or him Dating with other women. They learned to talk.


Imagine today you had a date. Most likely, at least the second and certainly successful. Your companion offers you a ride home. In response you offer to go to tea. Half an hour later you are lying on the bed, and then events take an unexpected turn. You look in eyes and a calm, everyday tone asked: “Do you want to make out?” It was indecent proposal, and if you really want to have sex, this discouraging Russian people the question we have to answer an unequivocal “I do” – otherwise the other will have to dress and to depart in haste. After all, he’s not a rapist.

Obligatory sex-positive behavior, i.e., attitudes towards sex as healthy and bad pleasure in its many different forms – the contacts should be safe and based on sexual consent.

Everything you need to arrange from first kiss to any experiments that could potentially deliver the partner (or partners) discomfort.

A lot of people talking before, during and after sex, and flirting in the style of “no means Yes” in these conversations has no place.

Dating life – as much a part of the life of a young American as study, work or play football on Tuesdays. If the person has not yet found or do not only looking for a permanent partner, he’s on Tinder and its analogues, or – much less frequently – is looking for candidates for Dating among his entourage.

In Dating applications the Americans often explicitly declare your intentions. For example, if it is solely a relationship for one night, you write: “Just looking for hookups”, if a person is into casual sex without commitment, then: “Not currently seeking anything serious,” but if he is really interested in a relationship, he can already speak more eloquently, for example: “I want someone to inspire me”.

Sexual preference is also taken to report immediately.

A General term kink is called any “newonline” behavior, whether it’s to play dress-up or the desire to spank a partner. Of course, the person may Refine their “very specific” tastes: for example, to know that he is a cuckold (he pleasure of the betrayal of a partner) or furry (dressed in the costume of the animal, not least in a sexual context). Any characteristic of sexual behavior is considered normal, if not threatening to the welfare of others, so swollen eyes in response to such recognition is not accepted.

Sexual orientation in America (and throughout the Western world) see as a spectrum, where in addition to open-minded heterosexuals (straight) there is a wide field of those who can be called queer. This term is used for the self-determination of all who do not like the usual labels like gay, lesbian or bisexual – the nuances of sexual behavior far more than it admits the idea that in the world there are only men with a penis, women a vagina, and not too many interactions between them.

The concept of genderqueer includes all whose gender identity differs from the cisgender male/female, who define themselves in accordance with their biological sex. For example, self-perception , gender fluid person changes over time, and agender person does not want to identify themselves with any gender.

Interactions between people with different options of self-determination are numerous: there is nothing unusual in the fact that cisgender heterosexual man looking for a relationship with a queer girl. Just his way.

In America become a social norm and open relationship with one partner up to open marriage, and polyamory – relationships with multiple partners. Tinder the people describe themselves as open or poly (a good example is the American passion for abbreviations). Sometimes in this profile you can find the story about the relations in which man is already. Some write at once for two, for example, in search of the unicorn – bisexual girls interested in sex with heterosexual couples.

If you go on a date with polyamorous, you can open up a complex hierarchy of his romantic life, but do not rush to laugh at the structures like “I’m not my girlfriend’s primary boyfriend, and I like it”. Yes, for the eyes of monogamous Americans themselves love to make fun of polyamory, saying that they summed up a detailed theory on what people have always done, and just afraid of close relations. But to openly show the person that you don’t respect his sexual strategy, rude and outdated.

After sex

Americans are individualists and care about the comfort of the partner is not more than about their own. That date ended with sex, doesn’t mean you have to sleep in an embrace. If events unfold in your territory, partner will ask if he could stay. If a party were you and you openly invited to spend the night, it is necessary to specify: “Is it okay with you if I stay?”

Of course, night is often regarded as a sign of incipient emotional connection. If a friend tells you that after yesterday’s Dating one of the two stayed over, unable to congratulate him – he looks forward to a continued relationship. But at the same time, if the person you liked and after sex he decided to leave or send you home – do not worry. It is possible for him to get up early and he wants to sleep alone in his bed. Normal American pragmatism.

When your relationship goes beyond a few dates and regular sex and you have already heard American simple confession “I really like you”/“I’m really into you”, there comes a crucial moment – the time to make a commitment.

The fact that you’re officially not limits your partner and you in the campaigns to date and have sex with other people, as long as you have not held a conversation about being exclusive.

If after morning sex you suddenly solemnly declare “I don’t have other girlfriends/boyfriends”, the least appropriate with a long face to find out who you “cheated”. This is a serious confession, so smile and get ready to enter into a real relationship. Now you will test for compatibility, because of the emotional disposition and good sex mean in America, no less than readiness in the distant future, to give children for homeschooling and the ability to get along with the family when you go to them for thanksgiving.

Be prepared for the fact that you will quickly move to the phase of making plans, because if you chose other, then your companion should adjust the programme of meetings with friends and family holidays, in accordance with its new status. This does not mean that the case goes to the engagement party, just the same American pragmatism.

American relationships often end suddenly and not always gracefully. In the quest to understand themselves, to stand up and find a perfect party the Americans sometimes just don’t find the emotional strength to explain with a partner and silently disappear from his life. Ghosting is a phenomenon in the Internet era, reigns far beyond the borders of America, but in the States it is widespread.

People learned how easy and calm to talk about sex, but when it comes to explaining complex feelings, words often is not, and they just stop responding to calls and messages.

If the responsible conversation about the breakup still happens, then the American counterpart of the Russian sample “it’s not you, it’s me” – “I’m not emotionally available right now”. In reality, of course, often means that the person has lost interest to a specific partner, but to justify the gap made by the desire to establish their psychological life. If your “emotionally unavailable”, the former after a couple of days is updating your Tinder profile – just smile and this time swipe to the left. The road by walking.

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