Tensions between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law are the same classics of the “family” genre as the relations between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. To come to an understanding, you will have to not only understand the causes of the conflict, but also find a compromise.
According to statistics, in 40% of cases the family breaks up due to the fact that their parents interfere in the life of the young spouses. Most often this happens through the fault of the mother, and, contrary to popular belief, mother-in-law in this process is as active as the mother-in-law. How can we direct the energy of my wife’s mother into a peaceful channel so that my daughter has no reason to say: “She destroyed my family”?
“My husband brought me from the maternity hospital with a child and mother to our“ kindergarten ”, where before that we lived on our own. Mom all pregnancy said that she would help us, which we only rejoiced. But I didn’t think that she would jump up to the baby at night, bathe him, dress him, only “give-bring” would be left to our share, and she was always unhappy with my husband all the time. Every now and then I heard: “Do not take Misha (this is our son) in your arms – you will drop!
What are you doing? Better go away, I’ll do everything myself! ” My husband hinted that my mother should go to her apartment, but I was afraid and still afraid that I can’t cope with the child and the household. Mom, after all, not only helps with the baby, but also takes care of the housework. Now the husband lives with his parents, we are on the verge of a divorce. ”
In this situation, only at first glance it seems that the conflict arose only between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law. But in fact, problems exist inside the triangle “husband, wife and her mother.” The daughter is not ready to take responsibility for her life, for her actions and decisions, therefore she behaves like a child, that is, from the perspective of a child. The husband does not feel like a man, the protection and support of his beloved woman, as he lives in his house on “bird rights.” Mom, with all her might, tries to remain the main person in her daughter’s life, to influence her decisions and actions. She continues to live with her child and for his sake, she is jealous of her son-in-law’s attempts to replace her in this role.
Despotism, disguised as concern for the daughter, slowly but surely destroys the relationship between the newlyweds, therefore it will not lead to anything good. When the wife’s mother acts as the head of the family, the son-in-law feels like a third.
What to do?
Each “side” of this triangle will have to reconsider its positions: both the wife, the husband, and the mother-in-law – otherwise the conflict will only worsen and its natural result will be the collapse of family relations. Moreover, whose relationship will be destroyed: a wife with her husband or daughter with her mother is a big question.
Change of roles
In order to live a full-fledged family life with a spouse, the wife needs to realize that she is no longer a child and accept her new role as wife and mother. Living with her mother, she implements the scenario of her daughter – a man who is not responsible for his actions and does not solve serious and complex issues. What can help here? Each time, a wife should remind herself that it is her husband who is now her support and support.
Ideally, the spouse should help his wife “grow up”: to feel no longer a child, but an adult woman who has a personal relationship with a man. He should be shown that he is ready to solve many problems and take responsibility.
Mom will have to “let go” of her daughter and stop pestering her with her custody. Now all her interests are focused on the child. She does not take into account the fact that this is not a little girl, but an adult. Mom should take care of herself and her life and stop disturbing her daughter.
We are looking for a compromise
The easiest way, of course, for young spouses to part with their mother-in-law. When the daughter and husband begin to live separately, they will have the opportunity to form their family roles and their way of life without looking at what the mother will say and how she will respond. They can only be guided by their interests and needs, which will only benefit. If for some reason it is impossible to part, it will be necessary to establish the right communication. Schematically, it looks like this: the son-in-law first says that he is satisfied, that – no, he discusses this with his wife, and she already brings this information to her mother, expressing her general wishes and setting rules.
No matter how harmonious the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law is, it is still better to live separately. But you can introduce family traditions, for example, a joint Sunday dinner, which will serve to strengthen the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law.
“Mom did not have a personal life, she raised me without a father. My husband insisted that we live separately, but I did not dare to do this, because I did not want to upset my mother, whom I was very attached to. As a result, our family life turned into hell: mother is always unhappy that her son-in-law is not sitting at the table, eating wrong, waking up too early in the morning, taking the bathroom for too long, etc. And my husband does not like that I constantly consult with my mother on various issues.
We cannot even retire: it is worth leaving for our room, as mother immediately has urgent problems that she cannot solve without me. When my husband and I are going to go for a walk, Mom is upset. And although my husband is against it, I call her to join us so that she does not remain alone. They wanted to keep a separate farm, but they just hinted at it, as my mother’s pressure jumped and I had to call an ambulance. And recently, my mother decided that her husband was cheating on me, and began to talk about it openly. As a result, my husband and I are now on the verge of breaking up relations. Is it possible to rectify the situation? ”
Most of all here went, of course, to the daughter, who was between two fires. Quarrels with her husband are secondary, because they arise because of her relationship with her mother. Young spouses will survive only if they achieve the opportunity to live their own lives, without interference from outside. But the problem is that the daughter could not and did not want to distance herself from her mother. She is influenced by the parent, shifting responsibility for her life onto her.
Considering the mother as the main assistant who is ready to solve all problems, she undermines her husband’s self-confidence. Because of this, he cannot be realized as the head of the family and practically ended up behind the board: he is regularly hinted at his uselessness. An additional stress for him was the understanding that in the life of his beloved, he does not occupy a leading or at least worthy place for a man.
As for the mother-in-law, she seeks to control her daughter’s family, planting her own orders in her and considering the adult married couple her “children”, who need to be educated and instructed. The mother is not ready to hand over the “reins” and separate the daughter’s family, allowing her to live independently.
What to do?
The wife needs to shift priorities from mother to husband and it is with him to solve family problems. As for the mother, the daughter must act as a mediator and protect her young family. She should realize that such a tense relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law will not lead to anything good. The risk is great that a man will nevertheless leave the family, and she will be left alone with a bunch of unresolved problems, including those related to her relationship with her mother. Another important tip: you should not take responsibility for all the actions that a mother performs in relation to a young family. We cannot change another person, but we can change our attitude to the situation.
A husband should solve a problem with his wife. Is she ready to fight for her family? Does it want to? The support of the spouse, his care, the ability to dispel fears can help in making a decision to live his own, and not his mother’s family. In communicating with the mother-in-law, two ways are possible: to delegate communication to her spouse or, if she feels insecure, to take over this function.
It is important for the mother to understand that the daughter is married and the main one who cares about her from this moment is her husband.
To resolve the conflict peacefully, it is important to understand why you love and respect each other, and to understand the essence of the contradictions. Then a compromise will be easier to find.
We are looking for a compromise
It is best, as in the first case, to part with the mother-in-law. Since the husband expressed such a desire, then there are material possibilities for this. If for some reason it is difficult for her daughter to decide on such a step, she should constantly talk with her mother about her feelings, recalling that she still loves her, but she has a family that she does not want to destroy. Newlyweds should decide what they want and defend the interests of their family, openly speaking about them to a third party. It would be nice to understand why the mother-in-law behaves like that.
Perhaps for her the birth of a child was accompanied by difficulties or losses, or maybe the fact is that she raised her daughter alone and still lives in a state of hyper love for her and is not able to let her child go swimming independently. In this case, try to direct her attention to the other side. Let’s say find a hobby or hobby, engage in volunteer activities so that the mother-in-law has less free time, and the circle of acquaintances expands. The second option is to create an additional reason for concern and concern – for example, to give a pet. Then the wife’s mother will spend her energy on caring for him. In the end, she can shift attention to herself, her beloved – to do fitness, go on a trip, etc.