Oral women’s work as one of the greatest horror stories of marriage is the mother in law. In the men’s epic about the family place of honor “world of evil” takes the mother-in-law.
According to some people, it was the mother’s partner turns a family life into the horror and suffering, and that if only not this awful woman, then life would be happy.
That is, automatically it turns out that “normal people”, but “Mama”…
What if your mother-in-law, the narcissistic personality
In fairness I must say that whatever horrors are not told about mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law sufferers of family life, the conflict between the two sides. It happens that the daughter-in-law or son-in-law with mother-in-law are such fierce fighting, that even find it difficult to say who is there of them the main villain. Each other, they are, definitely.
However, of course, one of the parties is a person having certain character traits and even personality disorder, which immensely “decorate” the life of a young family.
The situation is often complicated by the fact that just to be isolated from interference by a mother fails. Her child is not quite ready for independent life in their own family. It is the misfortune of many children, who grew up near mothers who suffer from personality disorders.
Moms different need
For the normal process of formation of own “I” person need a good and clear “I” of the mother.
This whole “Me” mom’s in the process of psychological development the child needs to build and start an independent life.
But this mother does not always happen well. She may be tied somehow to the child and the child itself is used as support for the implementation of its own desires, maintain her weakened parts of the person.
For this reason, mother and already grown child are constantly involved in all sorts of psychological movements and interaction, and the vortex sucks more often and partner’s grown children, and his children, and sometimes grandchildren.
Despite the fact that a seemingly mother-in-law with a particular warehouse person have to have the same traits, the situation is not so unambiguous.
And though quite a lot and actively talking about the fact that families have fewer gender stereotypes, in practice this is not always the case.
The daughter and the son can mean totally different for the same woman. Partners opposite-sex children may also not be the same for the mother. A lot depends on how the parent sees the world and what she expects from him.
Talking about such special characters mothers partner is quite long. Therefore, we focus on the mothers-in-law. Rather, the first one of their species.
The birth of a son to her was the gift of fate. This is what narcissistic women dream most. It is not that they just want a son. Unlike normal mothers, they need a reliable, self-renewing means of the approval of their own grandeur and magnificence.
Problems with your son start early, because it could not meet the expectations of the mother. It does not depend on the fact that these children lag behind in development or have any problems. Just that the child did worse than expected by the mother.
She never gives him enough feedback saying that he had everything in order, does not give clear instructions on what you need to do to make her happy.
Moreover, it is not envisaged that the child is somehow in a serious separated from her. In fact, she sees it as her part of the body, which acts as it sees fit.
Son is constantly kept in the reach, and the mother obliges him to keep in constant contact with her. Wherever he was, whatever he did, he should at any time drop everything and rush to the mother.
This reaction is practiced in a child life. If the son did not, he immediately became a killer, a parasite, who was born only of her grace, and once he does what she asks the mother, not worthy to live.
Even as a grown man, he continues to rush halfway across town to his mother to find where to hit the TV remote.
When the son gets married, narcissistic mothers have some ambivalence. On the one hand, the son must get married because she’s unable to say something bad. If son is not married must be something in the family is not, bad genes, bad raised.
For obvious reasons, this can not be in principle, because, as a mother, she evaluates himself exclusively positive. In addition, the “family of the son” is often included in the picture of her ideas about life and success is exemplary in her “great mother.” So the idea to marry is thoroughly supported.
But, on the other hand, the future daughter – in-law is a deadly opponent. It takes time, money and attention of my little daughter, at that time, when narcissistic mother believes that all of these resources belong exclusively to her.
Well, she gave birth to a son and raised! And then came some jerk and something claims.
It’s not so
Almost any son’s wife is bad.
A little better than “mediocre” would be those which will give her the correct and enough for her feedback which would confirm its exclusivity and perfection.
But all to indulge her – this is not a recipe.
Daffodil is that the more you give him the support and admiration, the more he wants. Yesterday she was saddened by the lack of pies with potatoes, tomorrow and black caviar will look decent enough on the dining table. To please or surprise her completely impossible.
In addition to the ever growing needs, she’s always better, prettier, tastier, more generous, smarter, etc. Any gift, even if it spent a year in thought, may be perceived as an insult. It is too cheap, stupid, unnecessary, hinting at something offensive.
She doesn’t care about the problems in the family of his son. Even if the grandchildren are seriously ill, or the family has some unresolved difficulties, it’s all just nonsense in front of her needs.
She should be given the best because it is all that is the son, and all the rest are just by-products that she allowed her son to have.
She believes that it is always first in the list of those in need, and all the rest, for example, grandchildren can do something more simple and cheap. Or do without it.
Successes are also regarded as a tribute, and as an opportunity to get something for themselves. If my son has money for a car, or he had saved money for a vacation, then it should be her machine, and her journey.
It can borrow from family the son a lot of money, several million to blow on nonsense. She has no intention whatsoever to return them. She thinks it’s her money and she can dispose of them as he wants.
Sometimes it can formally promises to repay the debt, but it is only to control the situation and feelings of superiority. It all depends on her wants to return, do not want – will not return.
Well, if the daughter demands something, Oh well, requires just has some needs or something claims is unprecedented audacity. She’s a “nobody” and “she imagines herself”. And if the son actually has to spend time and money on his family, he is a traitor.
However, the narcissistic mother will never toss him out of anger, because “to remain in splendid isolation” in her plans is not included. She refers to her child as a “weak silly fool” who “turns treacherous daughter-in-law”, and “this”, it is clear that only money is needed, and she wants to Rob the poor mother-in-law.
Moreover, “this wily young woman” literally not sleeping nights and considering how to undermine and insult Mamo and stronger to tie the poor boy to himself.
Between two fires
In order not to upset the mother, the family’s son sometimes has to hide a purchase or trip because Mama reacts to them as if she saw someone stolen thing.
Anger has no limits, it can, not hesitating in expressions, insult, humiliate, threaten, and even to throw himself with his fists, and eventually slam the door.
But if you think she’s gone forever, you are sadly mistaken. Mother-in-law Narcissus some time will pretend to be offended from time to time to call and pour on the daughter and son of a bucket of mud, to demand reparation and an apology.
In his behavior she doesn’t see anything wrong. If an apology is not forthcoming, then one day she just pretends that nothing happened and will come again for money, or to require care of his son.
At the same time, few outsiders would believe that the mother in law is, literally, a Holy woman, on something capable of.
Daffodils can quite successfully engage in the society and even Shine in it. If the daughter tells someone that the mother’s spouse yesterday in a rage she beat the dishes and broke the furniture, due to the fact that they bought my son a laptop, she won’t believe. Moreover, it will look like wishing to denigrate the worthy lady.
A “worthy lady”, in turn, may not hesitate so to represent the daughter, as in a nightmare not dream.
For example, on the puzzled questions of friends, what happened with the furniture and tableware, a lady can tell that the daughter of an alcoholic, or mentally ill. Here she does it all, and then accuses others, so no one would know about her passions. And poor son, so got…
But “later, the children, so he lives with this monster”. And believe her. What kind of impression these stories make on the daughter, who also suffered in the process of destruction, I will not tell.
Given that all the antics of mother-in-law son usually responds with obedience and guilt in different degrees of severity, it’s a lot of annoying daughter-in-law. Often the husband is afraid to contradict or removed from the process gnobleniya his wife’s mother. Pretends that nothing is happening.
After the terrible scandal when the daughter-in-law in her house the mother of her husband mixed with the dirt, the next day, the husband abandons the family already, neglects family plans and rushes to the mother, who requires something immaterial.
Wife can often receive much less attention and gifts for the holidays. The mother could be gifted a diamond ring, and his wife – Lily of the valley bouquet, purchased from subway.
The requirement to decide and prioritize – “wife or mother” – the husband is irritated or silent. Or says “well, she’s a mother, she raised me” or “wives can be a lot mother is one”.
Although not all men obediently follow mom. Some may be completely isolated from it to carry with it a continuous battle or clearly to keep their borders.
However, this does not stop the mother from the regular raids and attacks to find weaknesses and cracks in family relationships. And, given that the daughter is regarded as “no”, it usually is regarded as the most “weak link”, and on it there are constant attacks.
Sometimes, if the son is quite critical to the behavior of the mother, these attacks are carried out “for the eyes” or in the absence of the son, sometimes in the form of gossip and slander.
Those anecdotal cases, when left alone, mother-in-law can fill up the salt in the soup, throw the garbage or grab the gold sister-in-law to say that she sold it or lost (a “poor son-fool buys all her jewelry, she did not appreciate”). It can also significantly impair the nerves.
This situation often leads to discord in the family. My daughter just run out of strength to fight with Mamo. The husband often does not take her side, either does not believe that his mother is capable of all sorts of nonsense with gold and salt in the soup. Why is it necessary? The wife is seen as some kind of visionary-hysterical.
What can you do? And mom won’t do anything. She is so many years, her character has developed. All of her attacks do not depend on the relationship daughter-in-law to her, and all of the personality of the bride. As you do not change, not adapt, you still do not please her.
What to do
1. The banal advice – take care of your nerves and do not react. Don’t do psychological problem mother-in-law of his own. Don’t join in.
The main relationship occurs between mother and son. The husband must issue his relationship with the mother to decide for himself. If it does not, you are powerless to do it for him.
It is quite difficult, but if you cling nitpicking and sayings mother-in-law, your weaknesses, your “I”, and to work with them.
2. Get yourself out of close contact with her mother in law. This does not mean to hide from it. Behave formally and politely, do not make excuses.
3. Never talk about yourself that is personal and emotionally charged. Anything you do say may be used against you.
4. If you noticed the “pranks” mother-in-law, in abstract form say I’d noticed that, without trying to blame or to draw the attention of her husband.
5. Don’t hide purchases and purchases. It’s your money and you spend it as you see fit.
6. Try not to retaliate. As soon as you feel that the temperature of your emotions have reached 60 degrees, stop the communication.
7. Put husband aware of your feelings towards what is happening, but don’t put it before a choice. Do not be talking about the fact that you have to take any mess in the relationship itself, just because it’s his mother that she had hypertension or had a difficult childhood.
The choice should be in your hands – do you want to live in this family or not.
You can love your husband, and sacrifice, and, often, children, for the sake of his interaction with the mother – makes no sense. If he doesn’t want to change yourself, your love powerless here.
8. Try to remove the children from different games and manipulations of his grandmother.
9. Watch before marriage, how your boyfriend relates to the needs of mother and how she treats him. After a period of love is skewed towards the mother will be even more pronounced. Think about whether you want it to you.