24.11.2020

About the separateness, their own and others

One of my favorite topics – about the separateness, of his and of others.

It’s about what each person is individual. He has everything the same as me (feelings, needs, worldview, values, experience), but another, his own.

He is responsible for your reactions and actions (and I’m in charge, and if between us is nedoponimanie, we can discuss it like adults and agree on a comfortable – for us – the ways of interaction).

However, he has a right to think what he thinks, feel what he feels and say what he says.

In myself, this topic is on the firmware level.

About the separateness of his others

If (for example) the other person does in my side some kind of attack – looks appraisingly unkind or behaves disrespectfully or rude, trolls, rude accusing of something- it’s not because I’m some “not so”. It’s all not about me.

It’s about him. About his dissatisfaction with discontinuous boundaries, the inability to withstand the anger and irritation and eco-friendly to Express them. About his fragile self-esteem, his fears, his fears.

If the person is trying to hit, kick, hurt, I see only that he is (was) severely injured and humiliated.

No, I don’t condone it. I just understand why he is.

I’m not going to feel sorry for him and “treated” with unconditional love. I’ll just mark the boundaries and “break contact” (i.e. comes from it).

How often from my clients I hear the question: why, Oh, why did he say/do?

My answer: because they thought it was possible.

This answer does not satisfy them, he creates a bunch of questions (how could he do this to ME?).

Do you think that you and the loved one have similar system of values in which this is possible, but it’s not, that’s important, but it is possible to sacrifice.

And suddenly some trick, and it turns out that he is quite different. Separate, own. And, it turns out, he could.

He found it possible to do what he did, and it (again!) not talking about you. And about him – about his views about what is acceptable and what is not, about his value system.

This is a little puzzle about what kind of man he is. Add this puzzle to the overall picture. Now you know – he could do SO.

You have the right to choose how to react to all this: how to manage your feelings, what to think, what to say, to continue the relationship with that person or not to continue.

Another frequent question: why did we go wrong?

Not formed, as a rule, because people have different understanding of the relationship, and perceptions of them, and the experience and the same values. But most importantly – they have different needs, they are not the same.

Just. Are not the same.

  • Someone needs a deep, serious relationship, and someone without burdensome attachments and emotional cost.
  • Someone wants (together) further, higher, stronger, and someone so happy with everything.

It again discouraging. So difficult to admit that another your needs, your level of aspiration, and they have the same value and the same right to life as yours.

We have to learn to see another human being not truncated, not your flat and you are comfortable side, and in 3D volume, with their desires, attitudes, and life goals, match them with your own, and try to combine respectful and not try to pull his.

Or with bitterness and regret to say: your needs, your ideas, your values are so different and incompatible that you can’t be together, I just can’t.

And no one is to blame.

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