The best way to work on boundaries

People with poor boundaries, constant verbal incontinence. And at the right time they don’t know what to say. Frightened silence or something to bleat.

Verbal diarrhea and verbal standstill – a consequence of poor boundaries, but there is no better way to work on the borders than to “follow the market”.

Here’s how some women watch and take care of the person, and the men behind the beard and the boundaries to watch out for and to care.

Then over time they get better. And then – even better. And best of all, do not grow old and not ever turning gray.

The best way to work on the borders

Moreover, good boundaries, even the wrinkles on the face and the gray in the beard give nobility and breed.

That’s the spawn you breed wasn’t, and with good boundaries will be, and even some.

People with good boundaries don’t necessarily silent.

He can be talkative, if appropriate, but his speech is free from border bugs.

Bugs ‘s attack on someone else’s territory and draining his.

Attacking someone else’s territory looks unpleasant, if not worse. From him closed with annoyance or disgust. And merge their territory looks pathetic and sticky, and it closed too.

Seeing the closed borders, frustration and disgust in his side, a person with poor boundaries feels even worse. He felt bad, shaky and unstable, otherwise it would border was better, and now feels really bad and needs to be supported more.

And it further begins to attack foreign territory or to merge their, he wants to ensure the participation and approval. And bugs in his speech becomes even more. This is a vicious circle.

To break this cycle once and means to start working on the borders.

It without a border bugs beautiful and attractive. Everyone is interested to hear that we all feel sympathy for the speaker, open his borders.

Talking gets so much approval and support that feels even more confident. And it becomes even more attractive, says even more beautiful. So is the circle.

To break the negative feedback loop and begin to form the circle positive, it is necessary to monitor the lever, which launches your speech border bugs.

And then you press this lever and work out bugs. Bugs scare you, but to stop them before the end you can’t, just scared.

And you may even seem that we should cease to take care of myself, and that all spontaneity crushed.

Actually, getting rid of bugs is a way of spontaneity to collect and send to their advantage, to stop this spontaneity is constantly drained and confused to spend.

Lever, launching verbal bugs, the same verbal diarrhea, is the habit of thinking aloud.

I already wrote about Jean piaget, the great Swiss psychologist, who described the phenomenon of egocentric speech.

Piaget believed that egocentric speech peculiar to the child from three to five years and is involved in the formation of his thinking, and then disappears. However, many adults (in age) people’s egocentric speech is not going away.

Egocentric speech of a child is when he is talking to himself, repeating some of the words heard, asking yourself questions and not caring about what others hear, but not understand. For a child is the norm, it develops its functions and explores their inner world in all possible means.

But many adults do the same thing, and partly egocentric speech is preserved in most adults, except for those who have very good boundaries.

What are good boundaries? It is a mental state in which a person is very well aware of his separateness from others and the separateness of the other by itself.

He feels that his people share an invisible but very important boundary for any contact the two entities have multiple conditions.

  • First- a mutual desire, mutual attention and the opening of borders.
  • Second, clear and convenient for both the contact form.
  • Third, benefits both the result of the contact.

Here is a man with good boundaries well understood. And just when it starts it is very well understood, not only speculative, but also sensually, and he makes good borders.

Egocentric and do not consider these points. So, they love to talk about the fact that they have people.

They need attention, they need understanding, they need support, they need sensitivity and love.

Even more, they love to talk about their rights. Others before them – duty, and they have rights.

The right to speak out, the right to pour out the pain, to Express the right emotions, the right to convey their views, the right to respond as you want.

All who seek right egocentric to the free expression of emotions and thoughts to limit you, get aggression.

As a result, the egocentric gradually turns into the vacuum, it gradually distanciruemsa are closed.

He has a lot invested, physically and financially to his poor boundaries, verbal diarrhea and egocentric speech has agreed to tolerate.

But egocentric and he does not understand why people, if they can not “speak out”. He believes that he is ready to become those who are to talk to.

However, to talk to egocentric almost no one wants. Their opinion is somehow not interested in almost anyone. And even food, they don’t want to accept, they want to stay away.

This applies to those egocentric, in which egocentric speech is expressed most strongly and borders very bad.

With those who have less self-centeredness, communicate and contact more willingly, but also through the stump-deck. Attractive people will not name them.

But those who have self-centeredness in communication is not, we want to communicate.

This is the same magnetism, the same universal appeal, what we call fishing.

Egocentric consider fishing some clever strategy, and it’s just communication in the borders.

Although egocentric communication within the boundaries of a quest, more complicated than the most intricate strategy. But for a person with good boundaries this behavior is natural and specially him to learn is not necessary.

Often egocentric wrongly assume that people with good boundaries insincere and even fake. They hide their emotions, they Express not what we want.

It is actually the opposite. People with good boundaries are expressing what you want, communicate sincerely, but the egocentric forced to lie all the time.

Why is this happening? Why egocentric, trying to pour everything he feels, so often lying?

First, he feels different and does not know what he feels.

Due to the fact that he used to think aloud and to constantly focus on the approval of others, he has no own analyzers of their emotions and behavior.

He can’t self-evaluate yourself to measure your emotions and formulate thoughts, it needs to engage in dialogue and to receive feedback for this.

Because of this, there is no sincerity in it remains.

He doesn’t know that feeling until you get response of the other.

Now, if he hadn’t always wanted to pour out every fleeting emotion, and he understood the reasons for his mood, he could Express the second only something that concerns them both, it would be sincere.

Otherwise it turns out like this:

– I’m so lonely.

– What’s wrong with me?

– I’m fine. It’s just sad.

– Are you sad with me?

– Why are you taking this personally? I’m just sharing emotions.

People with poor boundaries who are accustomed to egocentric speech, don’t understand what any of their words is a request to another person. And the person sees their words as the promise or the challenge, appeal or request.

Secondly, due to the fact that the person with poor boundaries all the time to attack someone else’s territory, very quickly, a conflict arises and to mediate the conflict, a person has to lie.

– Why are you taking this personally? I’m just sharing emotions.

– I understand your emotions. You’re lonely and sad, beside me.

– No, I’m happy with you, I never been so good.

– Why are you sad?

– I was upset at work. But you and me very well.

When egocentric frightened of conflict with those from whom he is emotionally dependent, with whom he merged the boundaries, he is willing to lie anything, and he believes in what lies.

When the panic passes, he can feel the annoyance that he was forced to “surrender”, that is to avoid expressing negative emotions for the sake of comfort the other, and he again begins to pour out negative emotions, which is now more because they added resentment over the fact that it does not want to “understand”.

“Understanding” from the point of view of the egocentric – it is this feedback that will help him to be comforted.

It tells about your pain or about your concerns with the other and the other must answer something, so the pain is gone and doubts were dispelled.

The other needs constantly to be a good fairy, a powerful parent figure who in response to a plaintive squeak, immediately changed the wet diaper and give a bottle of milk.

When the egocentric says she just wants to share or vent, he’s lying. He wants to get a reaction and not any reaction, and one that would bring him relief.

If the degree of egocentrism in man is not high, he poured out rarely, he respects the boundaries of another and understand that the second must be in the mood and force him to listen to, it should be interesting or at least not annoying.

If an egotistical person rolls, he don’t pay attention to the consent of the other person, he thinks it’s his right to think out loud.

Words have enormous power, because words are not just “pouring out” is the wording of your request.

It’s always the wording of the query or answer someone else’s query.

Even when you do not seem to be asking, and just tell heard or seen, you still can encourage the person to Express their attitude to agree with you or not, laugh or sad.

The words is the appeal to another’s request. And if you do well you will understand your boundaries you’ll feel better.

Phenomenal, but people with poor boundaries do not believe his speech with a request. They “just” saying “just”. They say “without a second thought,” they “don’t have anything in mind.” Their mouth opens by itself without intent and from that mouth poured words.

If you realize the power of words, the power of their influence on your image and relationship to you of those who hear your words, you will start filtering the speech a bit to reflect, why would you tell me why in this form, with what purpose, for what.

This should occur approximately five years, but if this didn’t happen (because of the bad locus, because of the reluctance to rely on yourself), start now.

You delay personal development, you have a little consciousness, which itself could assess what you are feeling, why and what you should do. But you can ripen.

In norm you have to analyse your feelings, and the second to draw specific proposal that directly concerns him. Or constructive question.

Compare the speech of an adult.

Egocentric thinking: “somehow I don’t feel sad or something…”

Says: “somehow I don’t feel sad or something…”

Partner of the egocentric says, “Why are you sad? For me?”

Egocentric thinking: “Why am I sad? How do I know? Why, he asked me why in some collisions?”

Said, “how do I know? Why are you asking me and why the collisions?”

And so on, if egocentric in the red he’ll take all my words back and will not allow myself to feel sadness. If egocentric in the black, he will pour out dissatisfaction with the callousness of the partner further until you get a fight.

A grown man thinks: “somehow I don’t feel sad or something…”

Think on: “If I can’t even articulate what I’m feeling and why, you just have to do something and the Blues will pass”.

Said to her partner: “do you want to walk? Or in the movies?”

Partner of the egocentric says… Yes, no matter what. It should be clear that such a partner is likely to be satisfied with the intercourse.

“Really anyone to talk to about your feelings?” – cry little frightened (not size) egocentric.

Of course you can, but you have to understand what you say and what you want to convey. And why.

I love you, – you want to convey that you love.

If loving you man, you want to make him pleased and pleased myself also, because mutual love is a miracle, about which like to speak.

If you say it to the person who doesn’t like you, knows about your love and doesn’t reciprocate, you won’t just convey to him your love, you are trying to push him on the brain with forceps.

If you are egocentric, it is a desire to confess his love, you understand, I’m glad the second to hear it or not, and don’t push if he is not happy.

But if you are egocentric, you may not understand how this relates to the second. First, you want to pour that you have incontinence. Second, you think that even if another doesn’t like, he’s still nice to hear about your love, you’re such a treasure.

Well, you a little treat under-loved of the cub with his love. And caps on it a lot, he does not understand and do not believe in your love.

And you conquer his feelings. He doesn’t want, but you will. Here it is – the bits and pieces of the egocentric and the content of its handbags: three crowns and three cap. And tongs.

Crowns, caps and other plazasuite – all this is a consequence of the fact that you wanted to pour out, not noticing other people’s boundaries. Just pour out, because there was a desire.

But, observe, the desire arose. The desire to get the right reaction!

Not just to pour out, no. You may feel that you are ready for any reaction, really, if you didn’t care about the reaction, there would be no desire to pour out.

If the response is indifferent, it is easy to remain silent. But if you really need a certain reaction, unbearably want to pour out and take a chance.

You just have to understand thatthe voi problem, a person needs to decide for himself, and another to offer only that this other is also interesting about him.

I love you, who loves or at least sympathetic to and interested in your love.

– I am very sad, who himself is sad, be sad with anyone for a common cause.

– Want to discuss the problem, who is himself likely to consider it a problem.

If you make a mistake in a determination of mutual interest, it was found that another doesn’t like, or is sad, or does not consider the situation a problem, you can remove your request. Best silently.

Judging by the reaction your inquiry has not met the approval and support? Put the subject or just get away.

If you say something like: “Well, sorry to bother you!” – it will be pliers, you blame the second that his reaction was unfriendly.

But if you at least try to pay for the second only the words that concern it, you are no longer egocentric.

You know that the whole world does not revolve around you, you recognize that another person the center he. And this is great progress as regards the setting your boundaries.

From this practice your empathy will be much better. And you will feel what you expect from people (and to give it or not will be depending on their own interests), you will see what they want.

This occurs necessarily if the person has good boundaries.

Only the self – interference of empathy, only a desire to see people as its continuation, which can be in constant egocentric dialogue, like with the voices in their heads

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