Simple situation – two people had an argument and in the hearts of said the other offensive. And not just uttered and remembered. For example, she told him she never loved his jokes, and he tells her that he always hated her taste in music.
And now he thinks she so negatively assesses his humor, and she thinks he here is such an inexperienced dunce.
And from this both hurt even more. And like the quarrel has passed, the incident is over, and the words of another entrenched pain and torture, tortured, tortured… do Not despair! Cavalry to the rescue, Zygmantovich let me explain.
Do not take to heart the words spoken in the heat of an argument
Words and emotional words instrumental
In his landmark monograph about aggression Leonard Berkowitz singled out two kinds of aggression, emotional and instrumental.
Emotional aggression is causing harm to the person under the influence of emotions. Insulted one another – and that’s got the ear, there was nothing to call names.
Instrumental aggression – inflicting harm for the sake of achieving any goal. For example, a robbery. I gave him one on the bonce for the phone, not out of personal animosity.
Exactly the same divided, and the words that the person says. They can be emotional, and can be instrumental.
If a man in a rage told his wife that in bed she is a log, it’s an emotional word, it is not necessary to take them to heart. But if he at Breakfast, “I thought to myself, but you’re really boring in bed”, here already is a reason to be worried – man-now says purely instrumental.
Balance is another example. If fiery woman tells the man about the lack of size of his Oud, it’s an emotional word, it is not necessary to take them to heart. But if it is for Breakfast like, “I thought to myself, but you have a really small penis”, here is already a reason to be worried – woman-says now exclusively instrumental.
And suddenly it’s true?
These explanations often come across on a predictable objection – but what if a man all his life thought so, but now it just burst to the surface? What if it is?
Don’t worry, it’s not.
When a person is overcome with emotion, he found it difficult to articulate their thoughts – the prefrontal cortex can’t overcome amigdalu. We therefore in such cases we speak mostly memorized stamps, thumb patterns that are learned during life.
Simply put, people wants not so much to insult you, but attempts to Express his overwhelming feelings. Expresses, of course, without grace, but this is only because courtly phrasing it in their doorways just not learned.
Here, for example, a woman reproaches a man, they say, he never gave her flowers. Men surprised – as so, because he has a mobile application of the Bank, and it reflects all spending on the card, including the flowers, here is the seventh of March, the twentieth of April, the fifteenth of August, as it never got here!…
In fact, the woman tries to say more (just the prefrontal cortex is not right). A woman wants to say: “I now feel as though you’ve never given me flowers!”. But because the prefrontal cortex is not sdyuzhil, happened what happened.
So if you are in the heat of the moment said hurtful, you know – in front of you normal people, it is imperfect, as we all do. It happens to everyone.
Another thing, when a person is emotionally stable and, therefore, it currently interprets what was said. Say, in the morning, at Breakfast, pouring himself a coffee, he quietly and steadily calls you a bad word (or, see the examples above speaks about your sexual values). That’s the problem. Here there is nothing to worry about.
The phantom menace
In regard to the serious words escaped in a fit of anger, there is another issue – noticeable only for experts.
The matter in the theory of self-perception (self-perception theory). Its essence is simple – eif you are very sure in their beliefs, you make conclusions based on their actions (extensive details can be found in the tutorial Myers).
When a man quarrels with friends, he may begin to doubt their feelings close to it. The husband, for example, you may think – and if he really loves his wife if that’s so yesterday yelled at her?
And the high probability that he’ll make a hasty conclusion – it is impossible to shout at the person you love, and if he so shouted, so there is no love.
Further more, since our attention is selective and largely depends on what we are now concerned, the man will begin to notice more and more actions that indicate his dislike of his wife. If this destructive spiral is not stopped, after two or three months he decides to get a divorce. Or at least find a woman on the side because “my wife and I just for children.”
See, which can lead to serious relative to that in the argument? It is the same.
Total. The words that you say emotion is just learned patterns, the task of which is the expression of emotion, not delivering information.
If you will take them to heart, it may well be that it will end a bad thing. To guard it is only necessary if the following words a person utters quietly, without emotional art preparation.